i love accidental penises.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
