what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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