my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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