so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just gargled with NyQuil
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
