did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
