I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
