you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
