Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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