Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
