She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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