My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
