i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
