omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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