my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
