I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize