it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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