I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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