u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Randomize
