Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
