The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
