Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
