I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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