he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
