It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
