They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
