At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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