He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
