i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
