you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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