Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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