She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
