I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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