You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
