Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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