Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
