I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
