Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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