i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
