Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
