Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
