What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
