she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
