If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
