that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
