ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
