I hate all girls vehemently.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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