I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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