there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
