How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
