For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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