last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
