I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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