I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
