I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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