I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
