I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
