Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
