I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
