I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize