she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were trust falling into bushes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
